- curved colour -

do you see that, that burnt colour over there, I remember that colour, it sucked in all the light and made everything dull, it lied about the light, blinding all edges, false colour everywhere, it’s there and here now too and look, there, it’s me, yes there, I can just make myself out, me in that false colour, and there she is, yes as I expected, as I remember, I can see, I can hear what happened, what’s happening, over there, she’s calling it love, but it isn’t, it wasn’t, the colour changed too fast for me to stop it — you can see, can’t you, that I’m flooded, flooded by what’s wrong, by what’s bad, I felt at fault, too far from, too late to, know, how it all, everything, turned wrong around me, look there see, she’s making me hold it, making me wear it, the burnt colour that lies about the light, it’s so heavy the dullness of it, we can feel it from all the way over here, it’s curved all the way around us, full and full of fear — but wait, you are looking in the wrong place, see hold my hand, let me show you, you still can’t, you can’t see any of it can you, none of its shape, no, no you can’t hear it either, this whole time it has only been me speaking, you haven’t said a word, I mean maybe you’re not even really here, no, I know you are, even if you can’t see it, even if you can’t hear it, you hold my hand, as I look, as I listen, as I tend to what’s over there — look something’s different, she’s still there, but I’m different, I can’t quite make myself out, oh no yes, I’m older I think, yes and angry, and I’m shouting, shouting that I hate her, telling her to leave, trying to strip her off me, but still I’m, still so scared, still wearing that lying colour, too small and too tight, so hard to get it off — I think it should end, what’s happening over there, there’s nothing worth seeing, nothing worth hearing, yes that’s right, there’s nothing over there, it’s all empty for me, if I need it to be, the way we like it to be

- ultimate ways -

for the one with no name, who lives for a loud beat, refusing as she does to think of anything sad

- references -

‘– for do you remember, our susannah, that weird something of the psyche? of lightness and niceness that had got inside us, that was inside us and which, as you recall, possesses us still?’ - 264pg - burns, anna. milkman. london: picador, 2019.
‘like many, if not all people, cloda began to defend her beliefs in her sleep. in her dreams her sense of error was so profound and luminous it suggested an equally-if not greater—way that was right. Yet the right way was the hidden way. and in her dreams she encountered instead the wrong door, the wrong street, the wrong direction, the wrong room. and these encounters horrified her, confused her, kept her lost. to be in error is to feel oneself to be far from the source of happiness. it is to be far from or late to ... and distance and time become then one thing, in the dream a torment of misdirected moves and inefficient machinery. to be in error is not to be wrong so much as to be separate from the source of a peaceful conscience, and the windy gap is cold and deep, like a portion of sea that seems to run right through the earth and meet its opposite ocean. she couldn't get home because she didn't know where home was!’ - 19pg - howe, fanny. radical love. new york: nightboat books, 2007.
‘on both the left and on the right, there is nothing worth seeing and nothing worth hearing’ - wilkes, cathy. british pavilion. venice biennale, venice, 11 may - 24 november, 2019.
‘we weren’t used to looking at things in what you would call, the light’ wilkes, cathy. the modern institute, glasgow, 13 november 2021 - 22 january 2022.
‘the troops’ - 12, 13, 70, 111, 122, 125, 130, 131, 147, 150, 151, 152, 160, 161, 164, 166, 169, 177, 192, 193, 202, 203, 219, 221, 222, 226, 230, 237, 243, 244, 245, 248, 253, 255, 256, 258pg -the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the recorder’ - 12, 115, 170pg -the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘victim’ - 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 30, 35, 37, 38, 39, 41, 45, 65, 78, 93, 99, 106, 117, 120, 132, 137, 147, 159, 173, 175, 181, 187, 196, 204, 207, 212, 232, 233, 236, 245pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘Truddi’- 13pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘ean’ - 13, 28, 258, 261pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘mirror image’ - 13, 41, 129, 132, 142, 143, 149, 154, 179, 195, 196, 204, 230, 238, 243pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘multiples’ - 13, 42, 46, 70, 101, 103, 105, 106, 165, 167, 189, 191, 200, 204, 222, 227, 261pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘pseudo-tiger’ - 13pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘pseudo-lamb’ - 13pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the tunnel’ - 13, 27, 29, 43, 51, 54, 55, 73, 85, 86, 92, 100, 101, 109, 110, 112, 114, 115, 124, 127, 132, 143, 144, 145, 149, 154, 158, 166, 179, 183, 194, 195, 211, 216, 218, 219, 230, 243, 254pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the cores’ - 13, 113, 114, 126, 144, 152, 154, 168, 242, 246pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘multiplicity’ - 13, 25, 45, 46, 50, 64, 101, 102, 103, 105, 106, 113, 193, 203, 248pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the woman’ - 15, 17, 19, 20, 21, 22, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 50, 51, 52, 53, 5455, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 82, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 112, 113, 114, 116, 117, 118, 119, 120, 121, 122, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135, 136, 137, 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146, 147, 148, 149, 150, 151, 152, 153, 154, 155, 156, 157, 158, 159, 160, 161, 162, 164, 165, 166, 167, 168, 169, 170, 171, 172, 173, 174, 175, 176, 177, 178, 179, 180, 181, 182, 183, 184, 185, 186, 187, 188, 189, 190, 191, 192, 193, 194, 195, 196, 197, 198, 199, 200, 201, 202, 203, 204, 205, 206, 207, 208, 209, 210, 211, 213, 214, 215, 216, 217, 218, 219, 220, 221, 222, 223, 224, 225, 226, 227, 228, 229, 230, 231, 232, 233, 234, 235, 236, 237, 238, 239, 240, 241, 242, 243, 244, 245, 246, 247, 248, 251, 252, 253, 254, 255, 256, 257, 258, 259, 260pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the children’ - 15, 93, 104, 129, 131, 142, 182, 197, 199, 202, 211, 220, 221, 235, 238, 239, 252, 253, 254, 255, 256, 257, 259, 260pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘twelve’ - 18, 32, 33, 53, 54, 55, 57, 63, 75, 78, 88, 89, 91, 94, 98, 100, 117, 118, 147, 153, 154, 157, 158, 164, 183, 187, 197, 198, 202, 208, 218, 219, 224, 225, 227, 231, 232, 234, 235, 236, 237, 239, 240, 243, 244, 245, 247, 248, 249, 250, 251, 255, 258, 259, 260pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘flick’ - 19, 20, 25, 27, 36, 47, 48, 60, 62, 77, 78, 81, 84, 85, 95, 101, 136, 137, 154, 155, 160, 166, 168, 169, 174, 175, 181, 182, 188, 212, 214, 215, 238, 239, 240, 241pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘small child’ - 21, 25, 41, 62, 73, 103, 171, 180, 185, 230, 250pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the troop formation’ - 25, 27, 29, 85, 86, 89, 96, 110, 111, 113, 117, 118, 120, 132, 144, 153, 170, 175, 179, 190, 191, 203, 210, 211, 213, 216, 224, 228, 243pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the troop members’ - 27, 28, 50, 59, 61, 66, 144, 147, 152, 159, 173, 215, 246pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the gatekeeper’ - 27, 28, 43, 51, 63, 64, 66, 67, 73, 85, 86, 112, 114, 124, 132, 145, 183pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘vulnerable one’ - 27pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the interpreter’ - 28, 29, 59, 64, 66, 112, 113, 114 - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the buffer’ - 28, 29, 43, 45, 51, 52, 58, 63, 64, 73, 86, 112, 113, 126, 132, 145, 154, 184pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the brogue’ - 28, 54, 55, 122, 216, 226, 252, 254pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the front runner’ - 29, 53, 86, 110, 111, 126, 132, 166, 169 - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the irishman’ - 29, 152, 153, 154, 195, 196, 217, 237, 253, 255, 260, 261, 263pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘miss wonderful’ - 30, 47, 51, 52, 53, 66, 91, 103, 130, 153, 172, 187, 233, 236, 238, 255 - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘rabbit’ - 35, 65, 102, 136, 150, 154, 155, 156, 157, 158, 162, 172, 187, 227, 236, 237, 240, 241, 242, 244, 250, 251, 255, 259pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘nails’ - 43, 44, 57, 59, 61, 62, 64, 65, 67, 87, 90, 123, 126, 194, 218, 219, 220, 224, 231, 233, 237, 250, 252pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the weaver’ - 43, 86, 100, 117, 139, 145, 154, 161, 183, 195, 196, 199, 211, 216, 253pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘Catherine’ - 45, 56, 57, 58, 61, 62, 63, 68, 70, 71, 86, 87, 88, 89, 95, 98, 111, 115, 125, 129, 130, 132, 140, 143, 151, 153, 177, 178, 179, 181, 182, 185, 189, 190, 191, 196, 197, 201, 205, 210, 214, 215, 216, 226, 227, 235, 241, 242, 243, 244, 251, 252, 254, 256pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘first-born child’ - 46, 71, 72, 152, 166, 169, 190, 202, 204, 216, 220pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the outrider’ - 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 59, 61, 63, 86, 88, 89, 90, 111, 123, 126, 127, 129, 145, 153, 166, 187, 226, 227, 261pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘mean joe’ - 52, 53, 64, 65, 66, 75, 91, 96, 98, 114, 115, 117, 123, 129, 130, 131, 132, 142, 143, 144, 145, 146, 153, 161, 165, 168, 172, 181, 182, 184, 185, 186, 187, 196, 197, 210, 219, 222, 223, 225, 227, 228, 233, 236, 240, 242, 251, 252, 253, 255, 256, 257, 258, 259, 260, 261pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘olivia’ - 54, 92, 93, 115, 117, 119pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘lady catherine tissieu’ - 57, 186, 201, 252pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘ten-four’ - 58, 59, 60, 61, 64, 65, 67, 123, 125, 148, 159, 164, 165, 189, 198, 206, 216, 237, 252, 255pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the small voice’ - 62, 74, 75, 85, 95, 99, 101, 142pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘someone very small’ - 62, 119pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the zombie’ - 64, 65, 128, 139, 169, 170, 182, 183, 184, 255, 256, 258pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘fragmentation’ - 65, 66, 88, 90pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘vulnerable troop members’ - 66pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘sewer mouth’ - 70, 76, 118, 123, 132, 133, 137, 136, 147, 148, 156, 160, 161, 162, 182, 185, 189, 197, 200, 202, 213, 216, 222, 251pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘black katherine’ - 70, 86, 141, 149, 185, 207, 211, 212, 235, 236, 238, 256pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the big three’ - 71, 93, 151, 235, 236pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘click’ - 86, 173, 174, 190, 229, 231, 252pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘elvira’ - 87, 94, 95, 96, 98, 99, 117, 135, 138, 148, 149, 153, 155, 158, 161, 165, 170, 176, 177, 184, 187, 197, 198, 199, 201, 202, 203, 216, 223, 224, 234, 237, 239, 242, 244, 246, 250, 251pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘sixteen’ - 88, 89, 97, 99, 108, 227, 250pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘sentinel keeper, warrior in a silent cloak’ - 91pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘there was that same dead face’ - 91pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the well of creativity’ - 92, 109, 115, 117, 125pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘lamb chop' - 94, 100, 142, 182, 185, 186, 225, 228, 234, 235, 236, 237, 239, 240, 241, 243, 244, 249, 250, 251, 257, 259, 260pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘brat’ - 96, 220, 227pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the peacemaker’ - 96pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘first-born entity’ - 102pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘someone did remember’ - 107pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘a small self’ - 108pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the little one’ - 109, 132, 171, 178, 179, 181, 182, 184, 185pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘they live in the shadows where it's safe’ - 111pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘double core’ - 113pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘a faint cry echoed and was silenced’ - 114pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘someone stirred and cried out in utter agony’ - 115pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘a child atremble with flesh so icy, so damp it might have been a fish out of arctic waters’ - 115pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘olivia II’ - 125, 127, 128, 129, 142, 143pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘grace, the zombie’ - 128, 169pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘olivia I’ - 129, 142, 143, 146pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘lambchop’ - 131, 142, 143, 144, 184, 185, 210, 225, 228, 234, 237, 239, 243, 244, 251, 255, 260pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘child core’ - 132, 143, 196, 242, 243pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘lamchop’ - 142, 143, 162, 184, 235, 243pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the sleeping cores’ - 143, 154, 166, 178pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the adult core’ - 145, 153, 154, 195, 203, 230, 234, 242, 243pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the second entity’ - 145pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘sister mary Catherine’ - 149, 158, 167, 190, 228, 244, 251, 252, 256pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the little ones' - 151, 187, 222, 225, 236, 237, 240, 251, 256pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the suicidal warrior’ - 152pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the seventh horseman’ - 167, 168, 169, 170, 171, 172, 173, 174, 180, 181, 182, 183, 241, 255, 256pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the foot soldiers’ - 169pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the collector’ - 170pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the renegade’ - 170pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘first-born’ - 171, 205, 242, 243, 251pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the original child’ - 191, 105, 243pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘junkman’ - 197, 227pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘me’ - 212, 214, 217, 223, 227pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘rachel’ - 213, 227, 250pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘mable’ - 226pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the silent child’ - 242pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘the sleeping child’ - 242pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.
‘stanley, I love those words! ultimate ways. they sound without reservation, so beautifully bloody! I’m going to treasure those words always. I'll tuck them away in my mind and when I am lonely, I'll take them out and enjoy them again’ - 261pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: berkley books, 1990.
‘think of the one with no name, who lives for music with a loud beat, refusing as she does to think of anything sad’ - 261pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: berkley books, 1990.
‘truddi chase’ - 263pg - the troops, chase, truddi. when rabbit howls. new york: jove books, 1990.